tuesday morning

having a particularly tough morning wrestling with fear vs what i know to really be true. 
i'm posting this entry from my journal the other day as a sort of "place marker" for what i know is truth {even (especially!)when i don't particularly feel it}.


sitting here crafting.  loving it.  learning how to make crochet-ed circles.  can't get enough of white, cotton fabric crocheted circles!
i'm sitting in gratitude for time to do this.  for energy to do this.  for chocolate to munch as i write & clean water to gulp in this crazy heat.
am thankful for good friends, for gas to go see them (in tyler last week), for a car to ride (oh so comfortably) there.
even for the monitor that lets me know miss priss just woke up :)
i'm grateful for miss holland's fine little strawberry blonde curls & the way her baby head smells, even when sweaty.  i'm thankful for those hot little red cheeks, the gooshiness of them, & her little pouty red lips.  AND the back molars that allow her to eat more table food HALLELUJAH!
thankful for her soft baby belly, full of warm milk, & the sight of her half-chomping/half-gumming pita bread & scrambled eggs "like a big girl". 
she is truly a gift.
looking @ the h's, i better understand how incredibly special each one of us is.
looking @ my punkies, just thinking of their little red cheeks, their sweaty little hands, i grasp a teensy shred of the truth:  that each of us is so infinitely special, so truly fabulously incredible just exactly as we are.  it's of mind boggling proportions, our value, our worth.  so difficult to grasp, so hard to hold onto, so crucial to understanding.

when you're 4...

big trucks are rreallllly awesome.












& rreallly loud.
hudson (capital H)HATES loud noises. the vacuum cleaner, blender, coffee grinder, bathtub spigot. he's kind of a loud noise primadonna. if we dare touch that vacuum or run the bath water, hands slam over his ears & he glares. oh that glare!


this makes his love for trucks & lawn equipment problematic. you can see the anguish in his eyes when encountering heavy machinery in action -
oh! It's a big truck(happy, happy)! oh! it's SO LOUD (NOT happy, happy).


i remember being 4 & being pretty fascinated with our big, red tractor (yes, i had a brief stint as a quasi-farm girl, did i ever tell you?). also i was so totally terrified.

it was so big & awesome (wow)!
BUT
it was so big & awesome (gasp).


i was proud of him for watching the big truck so closely today, despite the noise (& okay, there was that fence keeping the scary thing @ bay, but still!). he's getting a little better about the vacuum cleaner.

it's an experience to see the little guy conquering a fear.
even if it's in baby steps, i'm proud :)
& really inspired.


(here, i must also mention holland, who runs after the vacuum cleaner, begging to "help". no fear? what is fear? lord, help me.)

open letter to my friend

hey jaclyn -
i was thinking about our conversation yesterday.

about how freaking hard it is to be a mom,

how we constantly seem to wonder "am i doing the right thing?",

how we'd like to know how to get {fill in the blank with child's name} to do (or NOT do!) {fill in the blank with behavior} NOW!

how we realize 90% of the whole deal {if not more!} is really about us anyway. & also letting go.

how we SO need time away to remember who WE are {not just mommy}, but how it's so hard to ask for what we need... you know the g-word {guilt}.

so last night i found THIS post & had to share. the latter part of the post had me in tears. you, too?
i'm sharing this with a few more gals, too. hope you don't mind :)

kelly

truth

"A perfectly kept house is the sign of a misspent life."

-mary randolf carter*

{put that in your pipe & smoke it.}

*found here

hair inspiration

so i got all hair inspired by this cake & cotton post.

& in an effort to ditch my fav go-to hair bun, i did this...

sometimes you just have to walk on the wild side. 

for your weekend entertainment...

me in the morning.

this is why i shouldn't be in charge of young children until about 9am.

potty training - day one

this is how the morning went:

hudson gets excited about wearing big boy underwear.
he chooses the elmo ones.
he agrees to use the potty & stay "clean & dry".
mommy puts him on the potty.
he is "done" in 2.5 seconds.
mommy thinks of everything to get him to stay.
10-15mins goes by (in which time holland is yelling for attention) & mommy finally gives up & agrees to let him try again in a few minutes.
hudson promptly pees in underwear & wonders what the big deal is.

multiply 4 times.

this equals mommy loosing it.

after crying on the couch for a little while (yes, it was that bad), i am now thinking of googling "someone to come pottytrain my son. i don't care how much".

million & twelfth

yesterday was a rough day. rough.
there's not even some semi-funny series of events that happened, all i know is it was rough.
as i've said, i'm entering that 3rd trimester & having less & less energy & that seems to be coinciding perfectly with hudson needing some extra attention.
ooof.
at one point i found myself sitting on the couch asking him for the million & twelfth time not to jump on the couch, but to sit & finally just thought - "how much do i really care? enough to put him in time out again (for the million and twelfth time that day)? do i really want to have to get up & walk around the corner with him & then stand there to make sure he stays? NO! I DON'T!!! all i want is a pound bag of m&ms & some peace & quiet!!!! :) is that too much to ask???!!! ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!"
there was a lot of deep breathing exercises going on all day. a lot of trying not to totally loose it!

and then there was the fact that we were having friends over for dinner. now i'm always wishing we could have more people over for dinner, but why is it that when you actually, finally do, the day is rotten & you have no time @ all to get things together??!!! i finally had to resign myself to the idea that i could not be "with it", or even fake being with it & that our friends would just have to enter a messy house with all my junk all over the kitchen counters, a make-up free & showerless hostess with the same clothes i'd had on for a few days (trying to conserve the # of loads i have to do before packing!), & GASP, no dessert. thankfully, clint took care of the last issue, taking hudson with him (giving me at least a quiet kitchen to cook in) to the grocery store for chocolate chip cookie makings. we may smell & be messy, but you will NOT leave our house with out something sugary!!

anyway, the end of the story is that we had a great time with adam & sarah & they at least didn't comment on my imperfections (!) & i was reminded that opening your life up means you let people see you as you really are (a complete & total mess) & how great that really is.

the other end of the story is that raising a child is really hard & especially when they are 2 & 1/2.

woman of the week

why i'm putting my bid in for woman of the week (or at least the day) today...

exhibiting patience in the face of rudeness: i had about 4.2 minutes before i needed to pick up hudson, when like a gift from the gods, i spotted an open checkout lane @ target! i put my little basket on the belt & started to get out my wallet when i was confronted with one solemn look & an unhappy voice saying, "ma'am, you MUST take all of your items out of the handbasket before i can check them." what??? what i wanted to say was "REALLY???? what difference does it make if you pick them up out of the little basket to scan versus picking them up off of the counter???" BUT i didn't :) i took each item out of the basket & set it on the darn conveyor while she watched me! **of course the guy behind me might deserve "man of the week" for simply ignoring her when she started telling his 2 yr old to be quiet! seriously!

preparedness: somehow (another gift from god??!) in my dash to get out the door to make that mad dash through target before picking up hudson, i just so happened to remember his rain jacket - as it was raining & it's hard to wield an umbrella while carrying my purse, his backpack, lunchbox, various artwork & anything else he decides to pick up along the way. i know, i know - you're totally impressed, right??!

overall having-it-togetherness: today was hudson's picture day & i managed to get my hair done (you know, NOT just in a clip or headband) as well as his before school! booyah! (please, don't be surprised if this doesn't happen again!)

fiscal responsiblity: i may not have remembered to pay hudson's tuition this month, but it's not the end of the month yet & i've only gotten one reminder!! this is progress, people!

and just because we all love pictures with a post, i'll include a few (terrible) pictures of h in his rain jacket...







**note: these may have to also double as his "school pictures" as his teacher told me he wouldn't smile for the real ones. nice.

beginnings

so this is obviously a post about hudson's first day of school :)
the last picture shows how i felt about it - kinda wanting to take him & his cute little combed over hair back home with me!
but i managed to leave him there & have a nice day of starbucks chatting & errand running (i had almost forgotten the utter joy of a quiet car ride where i could choose the music i wanted to listen to!).
& he managed to be happy in his class. after a few tears at first & then at the site of a few other moms leaving, he seemed to have a pretty fun day - complete with a new "ouchie" & yellow paint all over his clothes (of course because that's the color they said might not come all the way out!). he did start calling for me the minute he saw the first mom walk in for pick up, but that was okay with me. i'm not quite ready for the day that my mom assures me is coming when i come to get him & he's crying because he wants to stay!
for now i'm happy to answer the calls of "mommy?? mommy??!" with "i'm here! let's go home." :) this is the good stuff of motherhood, no?