i spilled the beans.

***we're still recovering from the great stomach bug of 2011, but much better THANK YOU!  i wrote this post a few days ago in the spirit of being honest & vulnerable.  now i'm not sure i want to post such honesty!  but i'm doing it anyway - i don't want to portray that my life is all roses & rainbows! 


 black beans.
& this makes 2 major spills in the pantry this week if you're counting.
this one came in the middle of a mad dash to get our house in order for a showing.  have i mentioned lately that our house is on the market?  & has been for months & months &...?  clint & i are pros @ getting our house presentable by now.  PROS! 
it'll still be a mess if you come over, though.  we only clean like that for perfect strangers, apparently.

so about that house being on the market for months & about that new adventure we started (the one without the steady paycheck).  i was recently challenged my good, wise friend to be vulnerable with my life, with my story.  this is not easy.  i like pretending that i have it all together & wrapped up with a lovely robin's egg blue bow.  
but that's just not true.
the truth is that following what's in your heart will often lead you down dark paths, past high cliffs where you feel like you're sure you'll slip... right... off...
really.
it's hard.
i don't know where all the money will come from.
i don't know what we'll do if our house doesn't sell.
i don't know what we'll do if our house DOES sell.
i don't know if we should focus more on retail sales, or wholesale.  
i don't know if i should order more size 4T or more size 6T grey shirts & i'm afraid to order both...

i think you see my point, right?
so why even try?
YES!  why even try?  i ask myself this very question.  often.  it's a place i come back to & back to. 
& here is my answer.  the only answer i have.  you must be the change you seek.
i must be the change i seek.
you must be the change you seek.
if something in my life is not in line with my heart, with my spirit, with my faith, i must change it.  not changing means denying the spirit that lives within me.  sometimes these are little changes & sometimes they are big.  for me, for us, for now, it was a big change.

do you know the one thing that i feel like would make me feel better about this whole thing?
financial security.
a trust fund.  a huge windfall.  something!
& that's no surprise in our culture.  none @ all.  we think money can buy us anything we'll need & we don't ever want to be in a place of need.  but the truth is money will grow up like a vine, slowly winding itself, even gently around your neck until it chokes you to death.
we can only be true to ONE thing in our lives.  if the Spirit inside of you speaks something, you cannot worry about the money.  you just have to do it.

& i'm trying.  we're trying.  we'll accept the consequenses of whatever this means & its scares me to type that, but it's true.  there's either something to believe in in this world, or their isn't.