Tuesday, April 29, 2008

confessions of a semi-perfectionista

i'm not a perfectionist in all areas - just come see my house. but my tendencies tend to sneak up in the most curious of places, usually in areas that i feel vulnerable & especially anything i've put my creative heart into. this includes cooking. i could tell you about the time my inlaws came to visit us last summer & i burnt the toast i was making for our breakfast. despite all of their attempts to convince me that it was really okay - they all absolutely love "blackened bread" & usually make it that way on purpose (!), i only casually listened as i grabbed my keys & headed for kroger - no one was going to be served overly toasted toast in my house!!!!

and this is just a minor cooking mishap compared to the way i acted when clint & i were first married (okay, & occasionally now). i fell apart if the pesto i made was too salty, or the mushrooms overcooked. i seriously couldn't handle it, & poor clint was left not only to a bad dinner, but also an inconsolable, sulky wife. neat... so i have some issues (or as my friend, jen powell would said - "ish" - would you say that, too darrah??). (***i must make a side note here that clint was so cheery & sweet about anything i ever cooked/cook - i think he got it from his parents - the "we like blackened bread" people.)

anyway, today i was dealing with this particular ish of mine (which truly is probably a good old helping of feeling like my worth isn't in who i am, but in what i can do, with a little sprinkle of insecurity), and i had a thought. these things come every once in a fleeting while. i realized that if you're set on being perfect - on having no flaws - you need no one. if your goal is to present to the world a bright, shining beam of perfection, then people will probably respond with feeling #1 like they aren't good enough, & #2 like you don't need them anyway. and that's not what i want. i really desire to be available to people & be have them be available to me - you know - know, & be known. but that's messy - that means showing people my crap. how can anyone journey with me (or me with them) if i act like i don't need them? if i feel lonely sometimes, maybe that's why!

i hate that my inlaws know that i sometimes burn toast, but if i hadn't done that, i wouldn't have been able to receive their gift to me - their acceptance of me & my burnt bread. and i wouldn't have been able to take that trip to the store with my mother-in-law insisting on coming with me & buying the new bread - all the while assuring me that she's done the same thing a million times & that no one will let her make toast anymore b/c of it! she was exaggerating - they all were, but it was so sweet i didn't care :)

so i'm giving up the perfectionism - okay? i'm done. it's over, gone... thank goodness i don't have to cook dinner tonight :)

1 comment:

darrah said...

i don't believe i've ever said "ish" before. definitely "probs", though. i've got probs. we all do. you're not alone!

i'm liking all of the updates. i hope the hudster is well today!

Powered by Blogger.