Friday, August 15, 2008

confession

it was once said to me "people think you are a good person, but i know how you really are." yeah i know, not a nice thing to say, & i've carried those words around with me for awhile. i've analyzed & thought through their every angle (if you know me, you're not surprised!).

i used to wonder if i had somehow internalized them & started living them out, as in doing good things for people, being nice just to prove to the world & give a shout out "hey, i AM a nice person!". a desperate attempt to prove the words wrong.

i'm not saying everything i've done in the past several years has been to prove my goodness, but i do think words can be powerful if you let them be. and i'm afraid i may have let them be. even with the best of intentions, they just held some kind of power.

on the other hand, without really realizing it, i think i've had this secret fear that the words are true - that i just might not be cool enough. that if people really knew the truth - they'd realize.

so i've been thinking about all of this lately, & i've come to this conclusion: i can stop trying to prove the words wrong because actually, they're true. now before you get on the phone to call me & tell me what a good person i am (i have the best family & friends :) ), hear me out. it's true - i really do want to be a "good person", i want to do the right things, i want to love people, myself, my husband, my son... i want people to be blessed by being around me - cashier to bff. i think this must have been how jesus was. but the truth is, i fail miserably & a lot of the time. i'm crabby, i'm tired, i'm cranky, i'm on a caffeine deficit, i can't find inspiration, whatever, i'm it sometimes! and especially to the ones i love the most!

so it's true, i've been found out - i'm really a failure sometimes. maybe some people DO think i'm a good person, but that doesn't have to mean i have to be perfect. the truth is, i'm a person who falls & tries to get up, flails, drops the lunch tray, looks incredibly uncool, but manages to get up, keeps going, starts to get the hang of it, can even hang w/ the cool kids sometimes, & all over again.

what i'm saying is, i'm letting go of these words. i'm letting go because they're true & i've realized that i can be okay with that.

4 comments:

Mitz said...

My life changed completely with the Lord when I realized who I really was...His GRACE was that much sweeter and I became fully His(to do what He wanted when He wanted!)What a sweet time for you and thanks for your vulnerablilty. No matter how hard we try we always want to be bettet than we really are which makes being loved so sacrificially by the Lord so sweet!WE HAD so much FUN with H and the girls did not want him to leave. Thanks for letting us watch him!!! mitz

kelly said...

"no matter how hard we try we always want to be better than we really are which makes being loved so sacrificially by the Lord so sweet..." - what a good word, mitz. thank you so much - that really spoke to my heart.
& THANKS again for watching hudson - what a blessing to me in a crazy time! i knew he was having fun w/ your girls - so glad they had fun with him!

Courtney said...

Amen. That is so, so true. I mean, about ME not you! :) But I really NEED to remember how NOT GOOD I am, b/c the minute I don't, I am the pharasee beating my chest and thanking God that I am not like the "sinner" beside me. So, I agree- it is good to know that we fall short!
What a wonderful word. I am sorry that horrible boy or jealous girl said that to you, but I think you have the exact RIGHT perspective!

kelly said...

thanks, courtney. funny how we can read about that haughty pharisee, yet never see ourselves sometimes, huh?
ps - thanks for being my friend on facebook.
pps - did you know i have another friend with your same first & last names? so if i send you a weird email, you'll now know why :)

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