confession

it was once said to me "people think you are a good person, but i know how you really are." yeah i know, not a nice thing to say, & i've carried those words around with me for awhile. i've analyzed & thought through their every angle (if you know me, you're not surprised!).

i used to wonder if i had somehow internalized them & started living them out, as in doing good things for people, being nice just to prove to the world & give a shout out "hey, i AM a nice person!". a desperate attempt to prove the words wrong.

i'm not saying everything i've done in the past several years has been to prove my goodness, but i do think words can be powerful if you let them be. and i'm afraid i may have let them be. even with the best of intentions, they just held some kind of power.

on the other hand, without really realizing it, i think i've had this secret fear that the words are true - that i just might not be cool enough. that if people really knew the truth - they'd realize.

so i've been thinking about all of this lately, & i've come to this conclusion: i can stop trying to prove the words wrong because actually, they're true. now before you get on the phone to call me & tell me what a good person i am (i have the best family & friends :) ), hear me out. it's true - i really do want to be a "good person", i want to do the right things, i want to love people, myself, my husband, my son... i want people to be blessed by being around me - cashier to bff. i think this must have been how jesus was. but the truth is, i fail miserably & a lot of the time. i'm crabby, i'm tired, i'm cranky, i'm on a caffeine deficit, i can't find inspiration, whatever, i'm it sometimes! and especially to the ones i love the most!

so it's true, i've been found out - i'm really a failure sometimes. maybe some people DO think i'm a good person, but that doesn't have to mean i have to be perfect. the truth is, i'm a person who falls & tries to get up, flails, drops the lunch tray, looks incredibly uncool, but manages to get up, keeps going, starts to get the hang of it, can even hang w/ the cool kids sometimes, & all over again.

what i'm saying is, i'm letting go of these words. i'm letting go because they're true & i've realized that i can be okay with that.