did you know....

aspersion

calumny

castigate

deride/devisive

diatribe

disparage

excoriate

gainsay

harangue

impugn

inveign

objergate

obloquy

opprobrium

pillory

remonstrate

reprehend

& vituperate

...are all words relating to the words "to criticize or criticism"?


no?
me, either.
that's why i have to study.
i'm taking the GRE soon.
yikes.
double yikes.
yikes to the 6th power.

(haven't started studying for math yet.)

i applied to go back to school for a master's - something i've always wanted to do, but never quite gotten around to doing it.  i started a few classes @ smu several years ago when we lived in dallas, but the program wasn't really exactly what i wanted.  the problem was that i didn't know what i wanted!  and i when i don't know exactly what i want, or can't see how it will all work out, i get overwhelmed & tend to just do nothing.  which doesn't gain you a master's degree. 
weird.

so on this crazy journey of figuring out what the heck we're doing with our lives, i re-remembered - "hey!  i'd really like to get a master's degree.  & now that we're not really tied down to a job in a certain location, maybe it's time to go for it!" 

that was quickly followed by panic & all the questions of where & how & finances & recommendations & oh-my-gosh-the-GRE!  it was so overwhelming, that i almost quit before even starting!  hello overwhelm!

something inside me pushed through the fear. 
i pushed send on the embarrassing "hey do you remember me?  i was your student 10 (gulp) years ago...  can you write me a recomendation?" emails to old professors.  i asked about financial aid (as in "do you have 100% funding??!"), which was double embarrassing (so dumb!  why should not being able to afford $20K a year be embarrassing??!).  i didn't quit when i got the triple embarrassing "no, i don't remember you" email back.  i cringed, ate a brownie, & went on down the list of professors-that-might-possibly-have-a-clue-as-to-who-i-am.  when i couldn't find the "i went to college a decade ago, have had 2 kids, & lost lots brain cells" edition of the GRE study book, i just ordered 2 regular books instead.
this takes guts, people.

& now i'm blogging about it all with the fear in the back of my head that i might have to come back here & tell you i didn't get in.
yikes to the 9th power x 22.3

(really got to get to that math part.)

but i said i wasn't going to let fear motivate me anymore, so...

my name is kelly harp, i'm applying to baylor university for a master's in american studies & i'm kinda scared it won't all work out, but i'm trusting that Great Mystery that he knows what he's doing.

{i'm also trusting god doesn't get offended that i keep calling her a him, or him a her, or it a she.  might start mixing up my pronouns...}

so we might be moving to wacky waco, tx.  crazy town!  i'll keep you updated, my friends. 

until then i shall try to foment fervid feelings towards taking the GRE, possibly becoming quite garrulous as i seek to engender a more erudite vocabulary.

take THAT, GRE!
(okay, i totally looked @ my notes for that sentence, but still...)

tuesday morning

having a particularly tough morning wrestling with fear vs what i know to really be true. 
i'm posting this entry from my journal the other day as a sort of "place marker" for what i know is truth {even (especially!)when i don't particularly feel it}.


sitting here crafting.  loving it.  learning how to make crochet-ed circles.  can't get enough of white, cotton fabric crocheted circles!
i'm sitting in gratitude for time to do this.  for energy to do this.  for chocolate to munch as i write & clean water to gulp in this crazy heat.
am thankful for good friends, for gas to go see them (in tyler last week), for a car to ride (oh so comfortably) there.
even for the monitor that lets me know miss priss just woke up :)
i'm grateful for miss holland's fine little strawberry blonde curls & the way her baby head smells, even when sweaty.  i'm thankful for those hot little red cheeks, the gooshiness of them, & her little pouty red lips.  AND the back molars that allow her to eat more table food HALLELUJAH!
thankful for her soft baby belly, full of warm milk, & the sight of her half-chomping/half-gumming pita bread & scrambled eggs "like a big girl". 
she is truly a gift.
looking @ the h's, i better understand how incredibly special each one of us is.
looking @ my punkies, just thinking of their little red cheeks, their sweaty little hands, i grasp a teensy shred of the truth:  that each of us is so infinitely special, so truly fabulously incredible just exactly as we are.  it's of mind boggling proportions, our value, our worth.  so difficult to grasp, so hard to hold onto, so crucial to understanding.